the unseen mother

unseen mother

A day like Mother’s Day was a seemingly enjoyable day. The longer we struggled with infertility the difficulty of enduring the day became difficult. However, experiencing the day after a loss seemed unbearable. It has been 15 months since my miscarriage. Last year’s Mother’s Day was difficult as it was the first Mother’s Day since my miscarriage. I have found that this Mother’s Day was way more excruciating than last year’s, so much so that I could not sit through our church service on Sunday. It was nothing that was said that hurt, I think it was the fact that I was an unseen mother. Continue reading

1 in 8

1 in 8 struggle to build a family…

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We are one of the 8.

It has been a while since I have last written here. Some of you might know that I am a teacher, and with that comes breaks (ie. Christmas break, President’s Week, and Spring Break). Every time I have a break coming along I always jot down a list of TO DO’s. Blogging is one of them. I never get to it, and a lot of it is because of my attempts to avoid thoughts.

February of this year marked one year since our miscarriage. It was hard but thankfully with the Lord’s grace not as hard as I anticipated it to be. I have been distracted with by being extremely busy with work and being in grad school at the same time. However, no matter how busy I am, our struggle with infertility is always in the back of my mind. With National Infertility Awareness Week in full effect, it only seems appropriate to acknowledge it.

I think as anyone can imagine, one can assume that it is challenging and often heart breaking. Instead of divulging in those feelings I wanted to share how the Lord has helped us emotionally and spiritually in our journey with infertility.

The Lord has always been gracious in having my husband and I struggle with our infertility in different seasons. There usually isn’t a time where we are both struggling at the same time. That within itself is a huge blessing. In addition, we have a good church family that helps us as well. Of course it is inevitable for me to sit through a service and notice every mom in the church. As this feeling can be very lonely, it can also bring a lot of hope. We have great friends with young kids that love on us. They have a good balance of being sensitive towards us and also allowing us to have sweet relationships with their little ones. In addition, we also have a niece and a nephew that we get to love on which helps us as well.

In the spiritual side of things, I cling to the hope that one day we will be parents. Through my infertility the Lord has really shaped and comforted me in my darkest moments. He reminds me in times where I am tempted to have my infertility define me, that I am defined as His daughter first. Through my infertility I have cried a lot, and also prayed a lot. I take comfort in reading through the Bible and sifting through the story of Sarah & Abraham, Rachel, Hannah & Elkanah, and Elizabeth & Zecharias to name a few. The Lord is always perfect in His timing. I just remind myself that I need to do the same. On good days I rest in the Lord’s sovereignty and His perfect plan for us.

As you read this, and if you struggle with infertility, my prayer for you is to stay close to the Lord. This journey can be trying and lonely, but the Lord’s comfort is perfect along with His timing.

Light

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// photo credit: to Liz Marie from Liz Marie Blog //

The Lord has done a lot of work in me since March. I am beginning to finally feel my self again. With the miscarriage I feel like I was emotionally, physically, and spiritually out of whack. After some time has passed and a good biblical counseling session we had a month or so ago I am beginning to feel my happy old self again.

Today the Lord sparked a text conversation between me and an old friend. I learned that she had experienced a  miscarriage recently. It was crazy how instantaneously the Lord used my testimony for His good. I was truly blessed and honored to be able to minister to this friend. I had really missed this friend and we had been out of touch but instantly this testimony reconnected us, and reconnected us deeply.

This journey got really rough before it got better. I think people forget that with miscarriage there is a mourning period. I continue to mourn of course, but the mourning is different now. It is a more hopeful kind of mourning. I write this post in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. My prayer for you is that if the Lord is taking you through the journey of loss, that you cling tight to the Lord. As my dad reminded me today…

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved” Psalm 55:22.

p.s. Click on Liz Marie’s link above to read her beautiful testimony.

Blessed be your name

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I have always enjoyed this song. Every time I sang this song during worship services I always applied it to only what we may call the “good” blessings. But it was not until today where I understood the entire weight of this song. I guess in the past when I sang the line “When I am found in the desert place though I walk through the wilderness blessed be Your name” it was just noise coming out of my lips. But today lines such as ” EVERY blessing you pour out I’ll turn back to praise. When the darkness closes in Lord still I will say… Blessed be Your name” really hit home. Then the line “Your give an take away.. You give and take away… My heart will CHOOSE to say.. Lord, blessed be your name” is then so agonizing.

Today I had to walk out of service early and go home. All of a sudden it hit me. It was like a surge. A surge of tears that couldn’t be held back. Finally, I wept.

Last month my husband and I suffered a miscarriage. I thought infertility was hard… this is harder (in my opinion). I will say though that the Lord had mercy on my husband and I because we never knew we were even pregnant. We may have hoped to have been due to some of the symptoms I had been feeling, however we didn’t want to be disappointed. You know the feeling of peeing on a stick to only remind you that you struggle with infertility. So, thankfully we didn’t have the excitement or joy of being pregnant.

It has been a month now that we had known we had a miscarriage, however at times  we find ourselves still in doubt.  We sometimes are in denial. But as every day passes by I feel like I get confirmation that this really did happen.

With that said, singing this song was painful and agonizing. It is way easier to sing this song rather than to live it. It is hard to CHOOSE to say BLESSED BE YOUR NAME in spite of my circumstance. But at least I can rest assured knowing that the Lord has a perfect plan. He continuously brings me hope daily in my life in Christ. Blessed be His name and my heart will choose to say blessed be His name.

// discontentment //

I remember when my husband and I were friends (we obviously had feeling for each other) people wanted us just to hurry and jump into a relationship.

When my now husband was my boyfriend, people wanted us to hurry and get engaged.

Then, we were engaged and we were quick to get married with our short engagement.

Afterwards, people were then asking, “When are you guys going to have babies?”

These are all hard questions that are derived mostly from people’s excitement over your life. However, sometimes it imposes discontentment to the people (in this case me) these hards questions are asked. Often my answer to those questions weren’t necessarily lies but mostly answers that weren’t completely true. I mastered the skill of making convincing excuses. Even at times I would fall into believing the excuses and would find myself deceiving my truest feelings. When people ask such questions, you can’t help to have a yearning for what they are asking. Then the quick unescapable spiral of discontentment whirls in your heart, mind, and soul.

If one thing is true, infertility brings a surge of feelings. One of these feelings is guilt. Now guilt can manifest itself in various ways  when it comes to infertility, but in this case it is the guilt of not being content with where the Lord has me right now. There is this ping pong battle of emotions that just takes captive in your head of how you are are so hurt and angry with the Lord, to you ought to feel so guilty for being discontent, and the list goes on. Now, I consider myself someone with a good grip on the truths of the Gospel.  However, regardless of how strong you are in your faith it has been said that the “grief and pain that come with infertility can put infertile people in a spiritually dangerous position” Moore, Adopted for Life. Jeff Cavanaugh best list out the sins of those struggling with infertility  here from the Gospel Coalition article  How the Church Makes the Trial of Infetrility Better (or Worst),  “- anger, discontent, jealousy, bitterness, and idolatry among them.” I state this only because sometimes I think I am the exception to these things, but that is not true.

So let us address the question, where does the Gospel come in to play? One thing is for certain and that is our Lord is sovereign. If scripture is not enough to convince me, I can truly just take a trip down memory lane through my life. The hardest moments that the Lord has allowed in my life has only turned into gems in his masterpiece in my life. Each gem so beautifully and perfectly placed. I have to remember that through my salvation in Christ I have hope, promises, and eternal life. Sometimes I forget because this battle of infertility clouds that. I have to remember that regardless how hard this season is, the Lord still intends it to be for His good. Now it is up to me how the Lord will be manifested through me in this trial. Will I do so obediently or unwillingly? Will Christ be reflected in this battle of mine?

If there is one thing that really digs me out of my deepest pit of discontentment it is this… When Christ died on the cross not only did He die for my sins, but He also took my deepest sorrows with Him to the cross.

// the beast //

Pain Joy//  image source  //

Imagine sitting in the waiting room of an OBGYN office waiting to be seen by your doctor. To the common woman sitting in that room one would probably start conversing with the numerous ladies scratching or rubbing their bellies. One might exchange stories of late night food runs, commiserating in swollen feet and hubbies gaining more baby weight than the expectant mother. Now that was not the case for me. In fact, I wanted to make no eye contact for the sake of other women in there guessing how far along I was. Instead, I sit there in complete agony because I could only yearn to have their struggles.

The battle of infertility is a BEAST! It consumes your body, mind, and soul. At times you feel like a prisoner to it. In fact, at times you feel like the beast!

This is a place that will encapsulate the journey of one fighting what feels like an unrelenting battle. This is a place where the real raw feelings of infertility will be spoken without holding back. It will be a place where I journey and try to make sense of it all. And most of all, it will be a place where I will record this journey of the Lord’s display of his never ending MERCY… LOVE… and PROVIDENCE in my life. If you are up to joining me on this journey then follow along, I’d love to have you!