I remember when my husband and I were friends (we obviously had feeling for each other) people wanted us just to hurry and jump into a relationship.
When my now husband was my boyfriend, people wanted us to hurry and get engaged.
Then, we were engaged and we were quick to get married with our short engagement.
Afterwards, people were then asking, “When are you guys going to have babies?”
These are all hard questions that are derived mostly from people’s excitement over your life. However, sometimes it imposes discontentment to the people (in this case me) these hards questions are asked. Often my answer to those questions weren’t necessarily lies but mostly answers that weren’t completely true. I mastered the skill of making convincing excuses. Even at times I would fall into believing the excuses and would find myself deceiving my truest feelings. When people ask such questions, you can’t help to have a yearning for what they are asking. Then the quick unescapable spiral of discontentment whirls in your heart, mind, and soul.
If one thing is true, infertility brings a surge of feelings. One of these feelings is guilt. Now guilt can manifest itself in various ways when it comes to infertility, but in this case it is the guilt of not being content with where the Lord has me right now. There is this ping pong battle of emotions that just takes captive in your head of how you are are so hurt and angry with the Lord, to you ought to feel so guilty for being discontent, and the list goes on. Now, I consider myself someone with a good grip on the truths of the Gospel. However, regardless of how strong you are in your faith it has been said that the “grief and pain that come with infertility can put infertile people in a spiritually dangerous position” Moore, Adopted for Life. Jeff Cavanaugh best list out the sins of those struggling with infertility here from the Gospel Coalition article How the Church Makes the Trial of Infetrility Better (or Worst), “- anger, discontent, jealousy, bitterness, and idolatry among them.” I state this only because sometimes I think I am the exception to these things, but that is not true.
So let us address the question, where does the Gospel come in to play? One thing is for certain and that is our Lord is sovereign. If scripture is not enough to convince me, I can truly just take a trip down memory lane through my life. The hardest moments that the Lord has allowed in my life has only turned into gems in his masterpiece in my life. Each gem so beautifully and perfectly placed. I have to remember that through my salvation in Christ I have hope, promises, and eternal life. Sometimes I forget because this battle of infertility clouds that. I have to remember that regardless how hard this season is, the Lord still intends it to be for His good. Now it is up to me how the Lord will be manifested through me in this trial. Will I do so obediently or unwillingly? Will Christ be reflected in this battle of mine?
If there is one thing that really digs me out of my deepest pit of discontentment it is this… When Christ died on the cross not only did He die for my sins, but He also took my deepest sorrows with Him to the cross.